


Old Friends and New

by icanseethroughtimesstuff



Series: Thasmin Week [1]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, F/F, Femslash, Implied/Referenced Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-10-13 09:13:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17485355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icanseethroughtimesstuff/pseuds/icanseethroughtimesstuff
Summary: After a surprise encounter with an old friend in an alien market, Yaz has to discover more about the Doctor's past to help pull her out of a spiral of guilt.





	Old Friends and New

**Author's Note:**

> For Thasmin Week. 20/1 - Hurt/Comfort

“Right fam, welcome to Belor VI, home to the biggest and best outdoor market in this galaxy,” the Doctor said, walking backwards facing the others and gesturing wildly and about her with a big grin on her face. “Don’t say I never take you anywhere nice.”

Yaz had to admit, this planet was definitely a change of pace from their last few adventures. The sky was a beautiful shade of gold, twin suns lighting up the buildings which all seemed to be made from precious gems hewn into shape rather than built. There were a vast array of differing species wandering the open square full of market stalls they had found themselves in, the Tardis having been parked safely down an alley off the main thoroughfare. The market itself reminded her strangely of the pop-up Christmas markets back home, all bright colours and cheerful owners trying to convince the passing populace that their wares are far superior to anything you’ll find elsewhere. The smells of cooked meats, vegetables and spices permeated the air everywhere you went, and she couldn’t help herself from drifting towards one of the food stalls, before she felt a gentle hand on her shoulder. Turning around she found the Doctor smiling at her.

“Best not to take chances with the food unless I’m with you, they don’t get a lot of humans through here. Last time I ate something without checking it first I grew an extra nose.” She scrunched her face up in disgust, while Yaz let out an involuntary snort.

“Why do I feel like you make half these stories up?” she asked, shoulder checking the Doctor as they made their way back over to Graham and Ryan, who were both watching the demonstration of some kind of remote-controlled helicopter with interest.

“Don’t know what you’re talking about,” the Doctor replied straight-faced, a miniscule tug at the corner of her mouth giving her away, “I’m always honest, me.” Yaz gave her a smile as she linked their arms together, the Doctor finally giving in and grinning back.

After making their way over to Graham and Ryan, the Doctor produced three plastic strips, almost like credit cards from her pocket, gave them a quick scan with the sonic and handed one each to Yaz, Ryan and Graham.

“Credit chips,” she explained, “loaded with as much spending money as you should need. No weapons,” she stated, giving Ryan a pointed look as he held up his hands innocently, “and no food or drink unless I’m with you to check it’s safe. Should we say a couple of hours then meet back here?”

Graham and Ryan nodded in agreement before wandering off back towards to helicopter toy. Yaz didn’t bother responding, knowing the chances of her leaving the Doctor’s side were very slim anyway. She’d found herself gravitating towards her more and more lately, like there was some kind of magnetic tether connecting them together that she didn’t particularly want to fight against. She knew what it was about of course, not nearly naïve enough to not recognise a crush when she saw one.

Just lately though it was beginning to feel like this crush wasn’t as one sided as she’d at first assumed. First of all the tether she felt seemed to be pulling in both directions, the Doctor seeking out Yaz’s company more often than might be deemed necessary, glances between them lasting just a touch too long to be considered normal. Of course, there was always a chance Yaz was hugely misreading the situation and had no intention of ruining the good thing the gang had going together by confessing to feelings that may not be reciprocated. She was more than happy to go along with things as they were, allowing whatever may or may not exist between herself and the Doctor to develop naturally.

Falling into step together, the two women wandered deeper into the market.

*****

A few hours later, bags full of various trinkets to take back to her family, Yaz sat in the square where they all first separated with a hot drink resembling mulled wine that the Doctor had assured her was safe for human consumption. The Doctor was pacing in front of her, an uncharacteristic frown on her face as she kept checking her sonic. Throwing her empty cup in a nearby recycling bin, Yaz moved to stand in front of her, holding her upper arms gently.

“They’re only a couple of minutes late,” she soothed, rubbing her hands gently up and down the Doctor’s arms in an attempt to calm her, “they probably got distracted by something on the way.”

“I know they’re probably fine,” the Doctor admitted, “but I’m a born worrier. At least I think I am, been a long time since I was born. Anyway, I’m definitely a worrier in this body.” The Doctor rambled, clearly still somewhat agitated although Yaz’s attempts to calm her seemed to be gradually settling her down. Finally making eye contact she gave Yaz a small smile. “Thanks for helping, don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“Didn’t really do much.” Yaz could feel a light blush spreading across her cheeks, praying the Doctor didn’t pay attention to it.

The Doctor smiled even wider. “Don’t sell yourself short Yaz, you always seem to know the right things to do to keep me on track.”

They stood like that together for another few moments, gazing at each other, neither willing to break away. Yaz could feel words she’d promised herself she wouldn’t say charging unbidden towards the forefront of her mind. With great effort she stomped them down, and was just about to suggest they go looking for Graham and Ryan when she heard an unfamiliar voice from behind them call, “Doctor!”

Both their heads whipped around simultaneously as a young woman Yaz didn’t recognise ran past them. She was pretty and fairly tall with big hair, wearing black leggings and a denim jacket covered in sewn-on patches. She watched as she stopped in front of a tall older man wearing an oddly familiar suit that Yaz couldn’t quite place. He was tall and thin with a serious face that lit up slightly when he saw the other woman, guarded affection in every line and wrinkle.

Yaz turned to the Doctor, intending to make a joke about the odd coincidence, but stopped short. There was a look of such sadness, grief, and overall longing on her friends face that it made her catch her breath. Unshed tears shimmered in her large hazel eyes as she stared unashamedly at the woman across from them.

“Hey Doc, hey Yaz sorry we’re a bit late, had to drag Ryan away from some sort of gaming thing he wanted.” Graham strolled up from behind them, completely oblivious to the Doctor’s anguish.

“It wasn’t just some ‘gaming thing’,” Ryan responded trailing behind Graham, using air quotes, “it’s a state of the art console, makes the latest X Box look like a brick.”

The Doctor, who normally made a point of getting involved in any and all banter, didn’t even acknowledge their presence or register that they had spoken at all. She still hadn’t taken her eyes off the strange woman across from them. A few tears had made their way down her cheeks but she made no move to wipe them away.

“Doctor,” Yaz spoke softly so as not to startle her, “who is that?”

As if her question had alerted her to their presence the unfamiliar woman looked up in their direction and made direct eye contact with the Doctor. 

As soon as she did the Doctor turned and hurried in the direction of the Tardis, calling over her shoulder to the others in a much sterner voice than normal, “We need to leave. Now.”

*****

The Doctor knew the tears were falling thick and fast now, could feel the warmth of them on her cheeks. A crippling sense of guilt was forming in the pit of her stomach, threatening to overwhelm her completely but she pressed on towards the comfort of the Tardis. The irrational part of her mind told her everything would be alright once she was back in her home, while the rational part told her it wasn’t that simple, would never be that simple.

After what seemed like forever but was probably no more than a few minutes she could see that familiar blue box ahead of her, almost welcoming her towards it. Already she could feel a comforting warmth blanketing her emotions, offering to keep her stable just long enough to pilot them away from here. She was distantly aware of her friends hurrying along behind her, and was eternally grateful that none of them tried to stop or question her in her dash back to the Tardis.

The doors swung open to admit her with no prompting and closed again as soon as Ryan, who had been bringing up the rear, was on board. Not bothering to spare any of them so much as a glance she headed straight for the control panel and began the process of launching them into the time vortex. Choosing an empty sector of space as her destination they were away, ironically having a much smoother ride than usual. When the Tardis stopped moving, the Doctor turned to face them all but found herself completely unable to make eye contact.

“Right, sorry about that gang,” she said, speaking fast and fighting to keep her voice steady despite the fact it was painfully obvious she’d been crying. “Anyway, best we stay here for a little while, old girl needs a bit of a rest, so do I as it happens, just gonna go and get forty winks, I’ll see you all later.” Then, before any of them could stop her, she made off down the corridor towards her room, the Tardis sealing it off with a door that hadn’t been there a moment before. She thought she briefly heard Yaz’s voice calling after her before the door closed, but she was so unfocused the words were incomprehensible.

She slowed down as she approached her bedroom, but then thought better of it and continued down the corridor, deeper into the bowels of the ship towards a long-forgotten room she hadn’t set foot in in a long time.

*****

“What on earth was that all about,” Graham exclaimed, huffing out a breath.

“Dunno, she was being proper weird though.” Ryan thought about what he’d just said then added, “Well, weirder than normal anyway.”

Yaz just stared at the now sealed off corridor. She was torn between regular Yaz who just wanted to comfort her friend, and what she called ‘Copper Yaz’, who wanted to investigate and understand this strange turn of events. She looked over her shoulder to catch the other two looking at her as if waiting for her opinion. She was tempted for a moment to keep what she had seen to herself like a jealous secret of the Doctor’s that only she was privy to, but dismissed that immediately as pure selfishness. There was nothing secret about the way the Doctor had reacted, Graham or Ryan could just as easily have been the ones to see it.

“Some woman ran past us,” Yaz began, “no idea who she was but the Doctor definitely knew her. She took one look at her and just looked so sad, then started crying.”

“Crying?” Graham asked, looking concerned. “I’ve seen the Doc upset a few times, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen her cry before. Wonder who she was.”

“No idea,” Yaz replied, “but when she looked at the Doctor, that’s when she took off for the Tardis.”

“Has she ever talked to you about any old friends?” Graham asked, taking in both Ryan and Yaz.

“Nothing that I can remember,” said Ryan. “Now that I think about it, she doesn’t really talk about herself that much.”

Yaz thought hard, trying to remember the Doctor mentioning anything about the woman they’d seen, or indeed about anyone else she knew. She’d made a comment when they first met about once being a white-haired Scotsman, and based on other throwaway things she’d said Yaz guessed she was much older than she looked, but none of that seemed relevant.

Except…

The woman had called out for the Doctor hadn’t she? And the man she had run towards did have white hair, although Yaz had no way of knowing if he was Scottish having been too far away to hear him speak. It couldn’t be…could it?

She didn’t tell the other two what she had guessed. Given that it was pure speculation it felt too much like gossip, so she opted to keep it to herself until the opportunity arose for her to ask the Doctor about it. The three of them kicked around the control room for a while, feeling a little bit at a loose ends. Graham was the first to depart, declaring he needed a brew and an early night.

After he left, Ryan said, “You know, you should ask her what’s going on.”

“Why me?” Yaz responded a bit defensively. “There’s nothing stopping you or Graham asking.”

“No, I suppose not,” he shrugged, “but she’s more likely to tell you. You two are proper close.”

“She’s close with all of us,” and okay, Yaz definitely felt like she was defending herself from some unspoken accusation now, “she’s no more likely to tell me what’s going on than you or Graham.”

“Alright, calm down,” Ryan said, throwing his hands up defensively, “I give up.” There was an awkward silence between them before Ryan said, “Anyway, I think I fancy an early night an’ all. See you in the morning, Yaz.”

“Night,” she replied absent-mindedly, staring at the sealed door that blocked her from the Doctor as he left. When she was sure she was alone, she wandered over to the glowing pillar directly in the centre of the room and put her hand on it.

“You’ll take care of her, won’t you?” She felt more than heard the gentle reassurances that passed through her mind. “Thank you.”

Yaz briefly pressed her forehead against the pillar and closed her eyes, opened them again and headed towards her bedroom, suddenly feeling absolutely exhausted.

*****

She had no idea how long it had been since she retreated to the room. The Tardis had given her reassurances that she wouldn’t be disturbed until she needed company, so the Doctor had sat in a small folding chair and just stared at the shelves full of boxes for a while. Ironically for a Time Lord, her concept of the passage of linear time was fairly shaky so it could have been minutes, hours or even days before she moved.

She stood and walked further into the room, hand out at her side to gently brush her fingers along every box. They were all labelled in Gallifreyan and catalogued in order from oldest to newest, courtesy of the Tardis.

The Doctor could never have brought herself to do it.

Reaching the end of the shelves, she took down the very last box and placed it on the floor, kneeling in front of it. She hesitated, then closed her eyes, took a deep breath and opened it.

Inside was a wave of memories. A small closed box sat on top of the pile which the Doctor carefully and reverently placed to one side without opening. She then dug through the box, rummaging past old clothes, discarded bits of makeup, shampoo bottles and small pieces of jewellery until she found what she was looking for. Gently and carefully removing the item, she put everything she’d removed back in the box, sealed it and put it back on the shelf.

Making her way to the very back of the huge room, she found a big purple sofa that she couldn’t remember being there the last time she’d been here, she murmured her thanks into the air and made her way over before sitting down, immediately tucking her legs up underneath herself.

The item in question was a very familiar denim jacket covered in patches, a jacket she had seen on its owner much more recently than she should have. If she’d been paying attention, if she hadn’t been too busy trying to show off for her new friends (okay, one friend in particular) she wouldn’t have made the absolutely terrible mistake of landing somewhere she’d been before on the exact same date she’d been there.

If only she’d double checked the date.

If only she’d picked a different planet.

If only she hadn’t been concentrating a bit too hard on that distracting smile…

Oh well, she thought darkly, bit late now.

She held the jacket close to her chest and couldn’t help but catch the scent of the perfume her old friend had always used to wear. After that it was all over really, whatever self-possession she’d managed to latch onto between the control room and here was gone. The tears started to fall again, slowly at first then more and more. Pretty soon the room was a blur as she sat there clutching the jacket to herself and sobbing as she rocked backwards and forwards and before she really knew what was happening she was screaming, screaming for the friend she was just too late to save, for the many other friends she’d lost, for the family she’d lost, for the friends she will no doubt lose in the future.

She screamed until her lungs burned and her throat was hoarse then when she physically couldn’t any more she went back to sobbing, eventually crying herself to sleep still clutching the jacket.

*****

Yaz found it difficult to keep track of the time in the Tardis but her best guess was that they had now been floating in deep space for at least three days. The door to the Doctor’s room was still firmly closed against them, and none of them had learned how to use the most basic of the Tardis’ controls, so they were very much stuck until she emerged.

Yaz had been thinking more and more about the encounter on Belor VI and by now had almost convinced herself that they had run into a previous version of the Doctor and one of her (or his, she supposed) old friends. The trouble was that Ryan was right, she never talked about herself or her past except in passing so there was no way to confirm her theory apart from going to the source, which was an impossibility right now.

The Tardis was at least taking care of them as best she could, keeping the kitchen stocked and their bedrooms warm and comfortable. When the others went to sleep, Yaz, would find herself opening the doors and sitting with her legs dangling over the edge, imagining the warm body that was usually next to her explaining in detail about every star and constellation they could see, only about half of which she usually understood. 

They would both happily sit their for hours, both with cups of tea, Yaz’s head usually finding its way onto the Doctor’s shoulder. Sometimes she would doze off, and through her sleepy haze she would feel strong comforting arms carrying her bridal style to her bedroom. Other times she would walk back to her room, the Doctor insisting on walking with her ‘in case she got lost’, and saying goodbye with hugs that seemed to get longer and more meaningful the more time went by.

At first the three remaining members of the ‘fam’ had spent time together, speculating, worrying, thinking. After a couple of days however, cabin fever had started to set in, and questions had turned to bickering which had turned to full blown arguments. The fact was, without more information there wasn’t much any of them could do, which left them all frustrated. Yaz seemed to be the worst affected though. She’d blown up at Ryan just the night before, telling him constantly going over the same stuff wasn’t helping and was getting on her nerves. He’d retaliated, saying she can’t have been much of a copper if she hadn’t figured it out by now.

They’d both stormed off to bed after that, Graham calling after them both in vain. Of the three of them he’d remained the most calm, reasoning that the Doctor wouldn’t and couldn’t hide away forever and that when she did reappear she could have them back in Sheffield within minutes of when they’d left.

Getting back to Sheffield was the least of Yaz’s concerns, however. Even if the Doctor did reappear and take them home, who’s to say what her mental state would be? Would she even want her – them to still travel with her? Yaz sat up in bed knowing the others would be sound asleep by now. She stood and changed out of her pyjamas into her usual clothes then headed towards the door, hesitating for a second before nodding to herself, opening it and heading towards the console room.

When she got there, she glanced towards the corridor towards the Doctor’s room. Sure enough the door was still firmly shut. She moved towards it and gave it a shove, not really surprised when it didn’t even budge.

“Oh come on,” she whispered half to herself. Give it another fruitless push just to be sure, she moved over to the central figure, leaned her back against it and slid to the floor, her legs sticking out straight in front of her.

“You know we’re worried about her don’t you?” she said to the air, feeling the reassuring presence of the Tardis touch her mind briefly. It didn’t do this with her often, preferring to communicate through the Doctor who could understand her better, but occasionally if they spoke to her directly she’d do something to let them know she was listening.

Yaz sighed and leaned back, trying to put all of her thoughts, emotions and feelings to the front of her mind so the Tardis could see them easily, holding nothing back. Now was not the time to be coy about certain unspoken emotions.

“You know I care about her as much as you do,” she said out loud. “I can understand her needing a bit of time to herself, but she can’t just shut herself away forever, it’s not healthy. Please, just let me go and see her.”

Having said her piece, she closed her eyes and concentrating on keeping all of her thoughts about the Doctor at the front of her thoughts, not that she was ever far from them these days. What felt like a blanket of sympathy passed across her mind, and she heard a faint whooshing noise come from the direction of the sealed off corridor. Her eyes shot open and she jumped to her feet, nearly stumbling on her way to where the door had been. The corridor was now open and lit with the same soft glow that filled the console room. Yaz whispered her thanks and patted the wall, heading off in the direction of the Doctor’s bedroom.

She’d only passed it once before, a few days after she’d come on board, not long before they’d wound up in Montgomery. She had no idea how she’d known it was the Doctor’s bedroom, it was just a gut feeling really, but she’s avoided it ever since, not wanting her to think that she was trying to invade her privacy. As she approached it now and reached forward to knock, the Tardis hummed what sounded like a warning through her mind.

“What?” stated Yaz. “What’s the point of you letting me down here if you won’t let me see her?”

The feeling of warning changed to amusement as she felt a pull leading her further down the corridor, with a promise lingering in her head that she would be taken exactly where she needed to be.

Trusting that the Tardis knew what she was doing, Yaz followed the silent pull and let it guide her deeper and deeper into the ship. She passed many rooms with that strange circular writing on the doors that she knew to be Gallifreyan, idly thinking it might be fun to get the Doctor to teach her some of it. She walked for what seemed like forever, hoping she was being led to the Doctor. There was no way she was finding her way back by herself.

Eventually she was guided down a single corridor with a door right at the end. Unlike the other rooms, the sign on this door was in English and said ‘Storage’.

“Is she in there?” Yaz queried disbelievingly, not sure why the Doctor would spend days hiding in a storage room.

As if in response, the door in front of her swung open. Taking a deep breath, Yaz stepped inside.

*****

The Doctor had slept on and off for days now, more than she probably had in the last six months. She’d eventually put the jacket back in the box and had started rummaging through some of the others, almost feeling like a voyeur but unable to stop herself. They were mostly full of old clothes and assorted bric-a-brac, nothing special or particularly memorable. But every now and then she’d come across a treasure, something that summed up it’s owner so perfectly she’d find her eyes welling with tears and would retreat to the sofa for another cry.

It occurred to her after a couple of days of this that she never really grieved her friends properly. Sure, she’d be sad for a couple of days but after it would be more or less situation as usual, throwing herself into new adventures, dragging new friends along with her and shutting her heart off to her past. She couldn’t really believe it had taken this long for it to occur to her just how dangerous and unhealthy that was.

After a few more days, while she was dozing clutching a Tardis shaped diary, the ship in question invaded her thoughts to let her know she’d unblocked the corridor. The Doctor just sighed. 'I suppose it’s been long enough' she thought. Carefully replacing the diary in its proper box she sat back on her couch and waited for her visitor, not surprised at all when she saw who was approaching.

*****

Yaz made her way past shelves and shelves of boxes, all labelled in Gallifreyan. The Tardis was still pulling her along, further and further back. Strangely, the further she travelled the newer the boxes seemed to be. The shelves were covered in dust which had been scuffed in some places, leading Copper Yaz to surmise they’d been moved recently. Ignoring that for the time being she followed the shelves until eventually, in front of her, she saw a sight that filled her with relief.

The Doctor was sat at the end of the row of shelves on a purple sofa, looking at her with that same small smile she only ever seemed to show to Yaz, almost as if she’d been waiting for her this whole time. Her eyes were red-rimmed from crying but she looked considerably calmer than she had the last time she’d seen her. As she got closer, the Doctor stood and moved towards her rapidly, throwing her arms around her as soon as she was in range and pulling her in. Yaz responded on instinct, wrapping her arms around the Doctor’s back and burying her face into her neck.

Yaz didn’t expect to feel as emotional as she did seeing the Doctor again and felt her eyes fill with unexpected tears. She somehow managed to keep them from falling and burrowed further into the Doctor determined not to let go. For her part, the Doctor seemed content just to hold her, and gave her a squeeze when she felt her move in closer.

They stayed like that for a while until Yaz almost breathed into the Doctor’s neck, “I missed you. I missed you so much.” Well, goodbye filter, she thought.

“I’m sorry. I missed you too,” said the Doctor, sounding hoarse, like she hadn’t spoken out loud in a long time.

She let go of Yaz and sat back down on the sofa, gesturing for Yaz to join her. She obliged and immediately reached for one of the Doctor’s hands, lacing their fingers together, not realising how much she would crave this physical contact after so long apart.

They sat in silence for a long while, the Doctor drawing patterns on Yaz’s hand and wrist with her finger, occasionally making eye contact with each other and smiling shyly, getting used to just being around each other again.

Eventually Yaz broke the silence. “What happened?”

The Doctor took in a deep breath and made direct eye contact with Yaz, who saw a shadow of the same haunted look she’d seen behind her eyes on Belor VI. “The woman we saw in the market,” she said, and almost sounded like she was forcing the words out, “she was an old friend of mine.”

“The man she was with,” began Yaz, not sure if she even wanted to ask this question, “he was you, wasn’t he?”

The Doctor looked startled. “How’d you figure that out?”

“Dunno,” Yaz shrugged, “it just made sense the more I thought about it.”

“Brilliant Yaz,” beamed the Doctor, unable to not show pride in one of her companions when they figured out a puzzle, “genius Yaz. Yes, he was me, I am him, it’s all a bit complicated.”

Yaz smiled, happy to see a little glimmer of the Doctor’s usual joy peeking through and felt a bit of selfish pride that she was the one who put it there. Knowing what she needed to ask next though she felt her smile fade away. “What happened to your friend?”

The light left the Doctor’s eyes at that and the shadow of guilt returned. “She died. Under my care. I was arrogant and careless and not quick enough and she died.”

Yaz had done some things in her short life that she wasn’t necessarily proud of, things she felt guilty about. Her and her sister had been unnecessarily cruel to each other growing up and she revelled and gloated just a bit too much whenever Nani called her her favourite granddaughter, but with her limited experience she was completely unprepared for the look of total self-loathing that settled across the Doctor’s face. What she said next though shocked Yaz more.

“If you and the others had any sense you’d ask me to take you back to Sheffield and leave you there.”

“Not a chance,” Yaz responded instantly, not even needing to think about it.

“People die around me Yaz,” the Doctor snapped, pulling her hands away, shocking her. “Do you think she was the only one? Or the first? There have been so many. Do you think I want Graham adding to the list? Or Ryan?” She reached for Yaz again, cupping her cheeks as both of them started to cry again. “Or you?” she choked out unable to speak again before she started to sob. Yaz pulled her to her and held the Doctor against her chest, stroking her hair and occasionally shushing her gently.

After a little while the sobs turned into sniffles as the Doctor tried to regain control over her breathing, Yaz not letting go of her once. Eventually they pulled away from each other again, the Doctor looking pale and weak, a far cry from the larger than life, bombastic character she usually was.

Eventually Yaz spoke again. “The woman, your friend who died. Did she enjoy travelling with you?”

“Yeah. She told me once it was the best thing she’d ever done.” The Doctor wiped her eyes, still struggling for breath a little.

“Do you think if she’d known what happened to her, she wouldn’t have gone with you?”

The Doctor looked haunted again. “It’s not like I got the chance to ask her.”

“What about the others? Do you think they would have? They can’t all have died, there must have been some you could ask.”

The Doctor was starting to look annoyed now, and Yaz worried she was pushing too hard. “What does it matter?” the Doctor asked.

“When me Ryan and Graham started travelling with you, you made it really clear how dangerous it was,” Yaz tried to explain, “and we all agreed anyway. We'd all been through some scary stuff by then already bear in mind, but we all still wanted to come along. I’ve been terrified more times with you than I have the rest of my life put together, but I wouldn’t swap it for anything. The things I’ve seen and done, I couldn’t have imagined it a couple of years ago and if it ends, I won’t regret a minute of it.”

Yaz wasn’t generally one for big passionate speeches generally, but right now she felt like this was the most important one she’d ever give. She had to convince the Doctor of the positive impact she had on people, the good she did. “You give people a life they’d never believe was possible before you come along, and they’d never experience otherwise. I can’t speak for everyone but for me it’s worth the risk. I made the choice to be here and if anything happens to me that’s my choice too, not yours.”

This time she was the one to reach across, running her fingers down the Doctor’s cheek and wiping away her newly shed tears. Feeling a burst of courage she leaned across and planted a kiss on her forehead. “I don’t know what I’d do without you in my life,” she whispered into her hair.

The Doctor wrapped her arms around Yaz’s waist and pulled her onto her lap, making her blush a bit at the intimate position. She blushed even harder when the Doctor kissed her cheek and whispered directly into her ear, “What would I do without you Yasmin Khan?”

Yaz pulled back slightly as the Doctor turned her head until they were nose to nose. Yaz felt her heart rate slow down considerably, feeling remarkably calm in the circumstances, she noticed the Doctor’s eyes dropping down to her lips a couple of times, and realised she was doing the same. Later she couldn’t tell you who leaned in first or when she closed her eyes, but she did remember the kiss. It wasn’t hugely passionate or deep or even particularly long. It was more of a promise than anything. And it was the first of many.

*****

Over the coming weeks, months and years, the Doctor told her all about Bill Potts. Not how she died, but how she lived, the brave things she’d done, the lives she’d saved, the way she’d softened up her rather cold younger self. The way she’d changed her.

Then she told Yaz all about the others who’d travelled with her, all the way back to her very first companion, her granddaughter. She felt the Doctor’s heart open a little bit more every time she talked about them.

There were still tears. The Doctor still agonised over the danger they were constantly in, Yaz, Ryan and Graham were more aware than ever that things could go wrong at any moment. But they all stayed, they all chose to take the risk.

The first time they said I love you was a few months later, Yaz doing something stupidly heroic that saved the lives of an entire civilisation, the Doctor picking her up and spinning her round and shouting it into her face when they were safely back in the Tardis, Yaz shouting it back and both laughing like maniacs. Ryan just laughed while Graham smiled indulgently and called them a pair of nutters. Later that night, gasping into the darkness, they whispered it against each other’s skin.

It was dangerous. It was terrifying. It was everything.

It was perfect.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are always appreciated x


End file.
